It's a no go...

Ok this is the first time I'm addressing this after hearing what the outcome was with moving. We got denied. Basically she said that Juliana was too young and that she would not be able to have continually meaningful visits with both parents. He wouldn't get to see her in any extracurriclar sports she may be in  while going to school, and that the job I would transfer to with Bank of America and the Asst. manager job Taurus would get does not make enough to outweigh the continued visits. It sucks. It sucks in more ways than one. We would have to wait more than likely another 4 years before we could try again, and that's a loonnggg time. For us anyway it is.
   I have ran it through my mind over and over again what could have been different. I'm not going to point fingers at anyone, because it's over and done with and I can't go back and change anything right now, but I know there were things that could have been broughten up that may have helped....but who knows! The house has been quiet becasue of it because right now it's the only thing that is on Taurus and I's minds, yet at the same time we're both upset about it we don't want to talk about it.
   I know this was all from a "mistake" I made with not being a strong enough woman back in the day, but I also know that I asked God for forgiveness, and I KNOW he did. So I can't go back and say anything on the past....it's just that....the PAST! I know everything happens for a reason, this is God's plan.....

But why?

I'm actually feeling stuck. What do we do now? I don't want to be in Columbia, in this apartment, at this job....nothing but where and what do I do? I want to go to Cosmetology school, and the only thing I have thought of is that I go to school here and then maybe we can try to move in a couple of years becasue I would have a major increase in income with that job. Dallas stylists make a TON more than Columbia! My sister in law does it and she's given me the $$$ figures, and it's ridiculous...I know it's not the same in Columbia. But then that means moving, because I'm the only one on our lease and we are in a housing that bases your rent off your income. Well you can't be a full time student, or a student at all and live by yourself. If you have someone else on the lease who's not a student you can, but Taurus isn't on the lease.....for certain reasons.

Through all of this I'm trying to think positive...right now it's not really happening so much, because I just simply don't understand, but hopefully I will get to that point. We prayed about it, we really felt like this was the time we were to move, we saw what our future could be. Yes we knew that there was a chance that we wouldn't get to move, but I had done SO much research on everything you would possibly need to bring up to prove this would be an improvement for Juliana, but yet once again...he won. The one person who doesn't honestly care, won. He sat up there and admitted to occassionally smoking drugs, that his car didn't have seat belts in the back so she'd sit in the front, that Juliana has slept with him and his girlfriend in their bed (when she has her own there) and yet he won. At times I want to punch things....a lot of the other times I want to cry, and I do, and I feel so many different emotions. I want to comfort my husband, but he's really upset....feeling like he can't take his family and go and do what he wants. But he handles things differently than I do and I'm trying to deal with that, but it's hard when how I want to deal with it is by talking to each other on what our next steps are. By crying with him, being comforted by him.

Sorry I vented....A LOT... but I needed to.