What am I doing up still...

Ohhh man it's midnight and I really should be sleeping right now, BUT I'm not. I'm making cinnamon rolls (I know right), and knitting, and watching TV, facebooking, and blogging.....

I guess there's no real excitement going on, of course what can really be exciting when you're stuck in the house alll day! We got to do some Christmas shopping today, which was good, I love getting the kiddos stuff and knowing that when they open it they will have fun with it. We got a white Christmas tree, which is a first for me because I've always grown up with a big real tree, and just in the past few years have we done a fake one, just so we don't have to mess with all the "shedding" real trees do. We weren't going to get a tree because we thought Bredun would tear it up....and he tries to, but we've trapped the tree on top of a table in a corner between our love seat and couch with our extra car seat to block the bottom where the couches don't touch!
I have an official date of when I go back to work, and it's way too soon. Dec 14th....poo day...poo poo day. I need to go back though because since I didn't get maternity leave I had to use what vacation and sick time I had which only added up to 3 weeks, so I'm already going 3 weeks unpaid.

ooohhh shoot, smelling the cinnamon rolls from upstairs....I kind of forgot, hope they're not burnt! Later!

Growing like a weed...

We went to the doctor today and in a little over 2 weeks Kiya is 7.5 lbs 19 1/2 inches long and 34 1/2 in head circumfrance. Last time we were at the doctor she was 5.10 lbs, she was born 5.12 lbs and left the hospital at 5.04 lbs......MAMA'S MILK IS GOOD! :)

On sucky "stuff" Bredun gave pretty much all of us a cold. My head feels like it's going to explode and my nose will fall off, Kiya is sneezing, coughing, and doesn't want to stay asleep in her bassinet or crib for longer than 30 min unless I'm holding her and then she's knocked out. Bredun is teething too which makes him extra fussy and drooly and adds to my headache. I keep getting chills and feel super weak....ok I'm leaving the pitty party....buttttt it sucks.

Give me a sign.....

Ok so since we can't move right now soooo many things have been running through my mind on "what's next?" We are appealing the judges decision and will have to wait and see if our appeal gets excepted. For some reason I was thinking you kind of get like an automatic chance to appeal right after a hearing and then if that appeal were to get denied then you'd have to wait, BUT that's not how it works. You can get your appeal denied at any time. So..... yeah we may not even get to stress, to a different judge, what we didn't get to say in the first trial. We know we'd be going in there already assuming that we are denied again, but we know that at least we'd get it off our chest and know that ok, we just have to wait a little longer. I should find out if we'll go to trial again in a week or so. Another thing is the insurance Josh owes me. Long story short he had Juliana on his insurance, dropped her without telling me (we pay 50/50 so I had been paying him) and I got her on mine and he hasn't paid his half for over a year. We are submitting in sometime to the court so that he'll have to start paying annndddd yet again I didn't know, but I'll have to go to trial for that! Me and the court....we're tight, close, best buds....well maybe not best buds.

Thennnn there's the plans for staying in Columbia. We want to move out of the townhouse we're in now. It's not the best neighborhood, it goes off your income, so getting a second job or going to school rent would be crazy and if I went to school then I couldn't even live here! We know where we want to move to, but want to wait until after tax time to have that financial "cushion" before we just jump into another place.

Theennnnn there's the jobs. I really am falling out of the banking industry. I've been doing it for over 3 years and I'm just done with it. I was happier at the other bank I was at, but they don't pay as much and I don't want to go back to banking anyway. I obviously want to be doing hair, which won't happen until after school so I'm thinking maybe something in retail or pretty much anything that's a lot more laid back! But again I don't want to look for something right now because my rent would change! It's a hassle to change all of your "stuff" with the management, and I just don't want to deal with it.

Last but not least there's going to school. If I go it would for 14 months, full time (they don't offer PT) and it is $9390 to go. I've applied for a grant and school loan and in the pending status they say I should be able to get a grant, but that's only for a certain amount and more than likely I would still owe for half of the schooling. It's totally not that bad compared to going to a University, but it's something that we would have to make payments to and just something to figure out financially. I sooo want to do it so that in a few years if we do have to go back to court to move again that I will have something "new" to present as far as jobs go. I just don't know how all this loan/school/bills stuff works. I would still work somewhere, but they'd have to be flexible with the school times. I think school is Mon-Thur and two of the days it's 11-7 and the other two days it's 8-4:30. I probably couldn't find something that pays as good as I'm getting now, but I'd have to have something just to help out.

Ok ramble ramble, but I just want to have some kind of PLAN! I feel like I have allllll this stuff going through my head but don't have them in an order and I just want to know what I should be doing. What do I need to be preparing for? Ugh....give me a sign God....give me a sign.

Drained.....

Even though I won't go into detail about why I'm feeling "drained" emotionally right now there is a lot of "things" going on that I feel like lying in bed and crying. I don't feel like I can do anything right, I can't say anything right, and anything I do is not how it's supposed to be. I feel like.... nothing. I don't want sympathy, I just want to be understood. I feel like if I go read God's word or just try to be patient I never hear him, I don't know what to do......but cry.

The End

Soooo we might be going on another roller coaster....

Even though we haven't really talked a lot these past few days because of the moving situation, today was the most we talked and so far right now......we are going to try and appeal the judges verdict. *sigh* Yes I want to try and do everything I can to get to Dallas, and get there as soon as I can, but with everything that I dealt with the first time makes me think of it alllll again.
   Because of things that my lawyer did not object to or even bring up in court; plus with her reasons why we can't move, we feel like if we appeal we can address those "issues" and maybe get another decision. There was a lot of frustration with how my lawyer dealt with things, or should I say did not deal with things, that maybe if we address those issues with him, we'll be able to go at it a second time more prepared. See my lawyer didn't tell me until AFTER our trial that this was his first trial....nice I know....he's dealt with these kinds of cases before, but they always got settled outside of court, so this was his first trial. I know I've posted it before, but he's a parapalegic and I feel bad getting upset with him about certain things. He gets sick a lot, and he needs help going through paperwork, etc. Which isn't a problem for me to help him, but I think when we were in court it kind of overwhelmed him??? I guess we just want to try again to address the issues the judge said were why we couldn't move, because we feel we can prove her wrong, but also just to know we did get everything out, and we tried to do EVERYTHING we could do. My only thought is when she said that the jobs we would have wouldn't pay enough to outweigh the meaningful continuance visits. We wouldn't have different jobs, but maybe if we prove the other things it could go different?
I've already called my lawyer and had to leave a message to talk to him about it, so I have no idea what he'll say back. When I had gotten his first email telling me we got denied he said we could appeal it, but to get another local judge that would overturn a colleagues decision would be hard. I know our judge we had is a well known "good" judge, but I hope that we can approach this judge in a way that will let them know that even though we got her reasons for dening it, the reasons given weren't covered like we thought they should have been.....something.

It's a no go...

Ok this is the first time I'm addressing this after hearing what the outcome was with moving. We got denied. Basically she said that Juliana was too young and that she would not be able to have continually meaningful visits with both parents. He wouldn't get to see her in any extracurriclar sports she may be in  while going to school, and that the job I would transfer to with Bank of America and the Asst. manager job Taurus would get does not make enough to outweigh the continued visits. It sucks. It sucks in more ways than one. We would have to wait more than likely another 4 years before we could try again, and that's a loonnggg time. For us anyway it is.
   I have ran it through my mind over and over again what could have been different. I'm not going to point fingers at anyone, because it's over and done with and I can't go back and change anything right now, but I know there were things that could have been broughten up that may have helped....but who knows! The house has been quiet becasue of it because right now it's the only thing that is on Taurus and I's minds, yet at the same time we're both upset about it we don't want to talk about it.
   I know this was all from a "mistake" I made with not being a strong enough woman back in the day, but I also know that I asked God for forgiveness, and I KNOW he did. So I can't go back and say anything on the past....it's just that....the PAST! I know everything happens for a reason, this is God's plan.....

But why?

I'm actually feeling stuck. What do we do now? I don't want to be in Columbia, in this apartment, at this job....nothing but where and what do I do? I want to go to Cosmetology school, and the only thing I have thought of is that I go to school here and then maybe we can try to move in a couple of years becasue I would have a major increase in income with that job. Dallas stylists make a TON more than Columbia! My sister in law does it and she's given me the $$$ figures, and it's ridiculous...I know it's not the same in Columbia. But then that means moving, because I'm the only one on our lease and we are in a housing that bases your rent off your income. Well you can't be a full time student, or a student at all and live by yourself. If you have someone else on the lease who's not a student you can, but Taurus isn't on the lease.....for certain reasons.

Through all of this I'm trying to think positive...right now it's not really happening so much, because I just simply don't understand, but hopefully I will get to that point. We prayed about it, we really felt like this was the time we were to move, we saw what our future could be. Yes we knew that there was a chance that we wouldn't get to move, but I had done SO much research on everything you would possibly need to bring up to prove this would be an improvement for Juliana, but yet once again...he won. The one person who doesn't honestly care, won. He sat up there and admitted to occassionally smoking drugs, that his car didn't have seat belts in the back so she'd sit in the front, that Juliana has slept with him and his girlfriend in their bed (when she has her own there) and yet he won. At times I want to punch things....a lot of the other times I want to cry, and I do, and I feel so many different emotions. I want to comfort my husband, but he's really upset....feeling like he can't take his family and go and do what he wants. But he handles things differently than I do and I'm trying to deal with that, but it's hard when how I want to deal with it is by talking to each other on what our next steps are. By crying with him, being comforted by him.

Sorry I vented....A LOT... but I needed to.

How am I going to do this...

Ok I think I could go nuts in about .5 seconds. Ok nope already there! Even though little miss sleeps for most of the day, it seems like once I start one thing another is unraveling behind me. I'll get things "picked up" around the house and then it starts.... Gymnastics in the house...not just Juliana, Bredun decides to pull whatever he can up to the coffee table and climb up on top of it, while Juliana is doing cart wheels, flips, and hanging upside down from couches and chairs. They listen to me for about 5 min, and then they're at it again!
   I don't even know why I'm on here really, but I'm at the point to where stuff is going to look a mess for a sec...lots of seconds....
   We have to go to the doctor this afternoon and then we have to go to the hospital for some lab stuff. Apparently my placenta was on the small size which could mean infections for Kiya or me or both of us, so they had to draw blood from both of us. It was SO hard watching them do it to her. They had a NICU nurse come to do it because she's so small and tried taking it out of her wrist like they do to big people. It was the same size needle too! They couldn't get it to work so then they were wiggling it a little and I felt sooo bad for her, I cried...a lot. Then they had to swipe her eyes, nose throat and butt. They just took some blood from me, but oh man it was hard watching them do it to her. I snuggled her a lot more after I got her back.
  Well I better get back to my oh so calm house and kids.....

Kiyana Braylee Bursey.....labor and delivery story

Well this was definitly the most exciting and crazy labor and delivery I've had out of all 3 of my kids. Where do I start???

Wednesday was going to be an eventful day anyway because that was our court date to see if we can relocate to TX. We had said all along that we just wanted to get court over with and then Kiya could come whenever she wanted to. To our surprise it was going to be a lot sooner than expected.
   I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday at 4:15 so Taurus came and got me from work, the doctor checked me and I was a full 4 cm. Last week I was a good 3-4 cm. It may seem like a lot to most women who don't even dialate before they go into labor or who only do 1-2 cm, but with Bredun I was 4 cm for a week and a half before anything happened. So we left there, did some errands, and went home.
  We all ended up going to bed early that night. I was feeling crampy, which I had been all day, but I assumed from getting checked at the doctors I was extra crampy, no big deal. So we went to bed around 10ish and at 10:30 one of my friends text me and was like "Are you going to have that baby tonight?"....."don't know, but you know I'll let ya know." Then Taurus' brother text him and was like "have you had that baby?"...."no not yet." Ok really?! I was like ok people we'll tell you, we're trying to sleep! Well I woke up around 11 and couldn't really sleep was still having pains, and went to take some tylenol to see if that would help with the "cramps." At 11:15 they were getting worse and I was like well I'll just time them and see what goes on. The were 4-5 min apart, and I knew this could be "real labor" so I needed to keep timing them to see if they stayed like that or not. So about 30 min later they started to get to be 3 min apart. They hurt so bad. I was standing, swaying, sitting on the bed, walking around, bending over. Anything to see if it would ease the pain....yeah it didn't. So I told Taurus ok lets just go in, I don't care if they tell me to go home, this hurts.
   He woke up Juliana and told her to get her shoes on, which she then preceeded to stare at me and ask me "Mommy is that my sister hurting you?"..."Yes Juliana it is." " Do you want me to tell her to stop?" ....why of course! He went and Got Bredun ready, who started to cry and was wanting me to hold him, I thought about it, but the contractions kept coming so close together, it wasn't happening. I made it down the stairs and he got the kids loaded in the car, bags in the trunk, I made it in the car after stopping once on my way to the car dropping my purse and moaning through a pretty painful contraction.
   On the way to the hospital, I was moaning, trying to breath at a slow and steady pace, and make it through them. I managed to tell Taurus to hurry as fast as he could because this was definitly it. We finally turned onto the street to the hospital and I felt like I had to push....we were almost there though! Taurus looks at me and say's "what?!!", misses the turn to the hospital, slams on the breaks (which didn't help so much) and reverses the car gets up to the emergency enterance. He runs into the hospital where he tells them that my wife is in labor and feels like she has to push. He told me later that when he told them that they kind of just looked at him and smiled like he probably didn't know what was really going on.
   They came out with a wheelchair, and tried to get me  into it which was taking longer because I was going through contraction after contraction, feeling like I had to push again while she was pushing me up the ramps. Of course they try to ask you all these questions " What's your name?, when's your due date, when did you start timing your contractions?" I just moaned and tried breathing normal. I think I got my first name out, and that was it until I got up to the actual labor and delivery area. Once I got up there I had needed to push AGAIN, I finally got my name, due date and when I started timing contractions out in one sentence, one breath.
   They got me into a room where they then were trying to ask me if I was allergic to anything, when I started timing things, due date, everything. I said " I HAVE TO PUUUSHHH." they were like ok we have to get you on the bed, they pulled my pants down and got me onto the bed while half way putting a gown on me. A nurse was trying to help me breath/pant through not pushing. They then told me the doctor was going to have to check to see how far along I was. Are you kidding me?? I had just help 4 pushes from leaving home to actually being here!! It hurt like no other, because of course he managed to do it during a contraction. I was yelling "Nooo stop it!" Then he got out, which I don't think I even heard what he said I was, becase once he got his hand out I said " I'm pussshhhinngg...." which they tried telling me to hold it, but when I was telling them that I was pushing, I was pushing! The nurse holding my hand looked under the sheet and said yeah uhhh there's a head and the bag. The bag burst on them all, which was weird to me, then I pushed one more time and she came out! I ended up having 3 or 4 stiches and got cleaned up. Taurus and Bredun ended up being in the room the whole time. They took Juliana away after they got me on the bed, I think because she was looking like what the heck is going on. So a nurse took her away.
   Taurus' facial expression afterwards was priceless. He was like "uhhh did that really just happen like that?" Bredun just sucked his thumb the whole time like ok whatever.
   It took her a few extra seconds to cry, and they took her away to get checked out and all that doctor stuff they have to do. Got the placenta out which they then "swooped" the inside of me to get any clots. The other doctor then told me that she had gotten some placenta with some of the blood and was going to have to scrap again....oh. my. goodness. Taurus said it looked like her whole arm was up there, and it sure did feel like it, but it was over in a few seconds.
   Later on after we were in our rooms and everything had settled down another nurse came in there and was like "sooo how are you feeling?" I heard you had a pretty crazy delivery. Yes, yes I did. She said all the nurses were sitting around and there had been only one other lady in there having contractions, but they weren't close and no one was making a big deal, then they saw all these doctors running past them and they were like "what's going on?" they looked at the monitors, and were like that lady isn't having a baby....well then who is? ME!!!! :) Everyone said we gave them some excitement for the night.
   Now we know if there is another baby, that as soon as I feel anything semi serious we need to go! Taurus thought he'd have to deliver, and I thought mannnn if he doesn't get there in 2 seconds he needs to pull over, because I'm about to push in his car. If anyone knows Taurus and his car....that would have not been ok. Of course he would have been fine with it while it was happening because it was for his little girl, but afterwards I'm sure he would have been like "dang!"

 That's it! Little miss Kiyana (which we'll call Kiya) Braylee Bursey.... 5 pounds 12 oz, 18 3.4 inches long, born at 12:11 am on Thursday October 29th. A tad shy of an hour labor and delivery....now that's how ya do it! :)